Not Ready

The post right most previous to this one is no longer relavant. The jusry was a disaster, I just got off the phone with my voice teacher and he was "concerned" wabout me. Two pieces I've worked very hard on have just been cut from my senior recital program. Those two pieces were, Au fond du Temple Saint from Bizet's The Pearlfishers and M'appari tutt' amor from von Flowtow's Martha. Two pieces that have helped me grow immensly as a singer in the past few months. When I first got these pieces, I couldn't handle those piece, now I can. It seem like such a damn waste that after months of hard work, I just have to drop these piece just five weeks before the recital. I mean, this is my Senior Recital, this is the end of the line as far as me performing as an undergraduate at Cal State. I wanted to go out with a bang and this sure feels like I'm going out with a whimper.

"You're not quite ready right now." "What we work in the studio is different from what we perform in public." I know I'm not exactly Pavarotti right now but I can handle these pieces. How can there be growth if one is not pushed to grow? It is because I have pushed myself which is the reason why I can handle these pieces. It's such a waste.

Well I guess now I have no option but to sing the absolute shit out of Dichterliebe since it is the only challenging thing left on my program. Now my program consists of:

A Schumann Song Cycle
The Songs by Charles Ives
Early Music
Musical Theatre

Most of the music besides Schumann is stuff I've done years ago, hastlily put in the program to take up the time now freed by my pieces that were cut, not new music. And Musical Theatre. I don't want to be though of as just a "Musical Theatre" person. I came to the Music Department years ago as a Musical Theatre person and I didn't spend all these years just doing musical theatre. I have no immediate future in Musical Theatre due to the big fact that I'm NOT WHITE and I'm not OLD ENOUGH.

Whatever, I'm just doing this so I can get a piece of paper called a Degree.

At least the recital is still going to be good, even if it's not as fulfilling to me.

I honestly feel that all this is not adequately preparing me for grad school. Most places require a few arias in addition to art songs and Musical Theatre doesn't cut it. How can I go to grad school if I can't even meet the audition requirements? What? Dazzle them with my bullshit?

I am so frustrated now, it sucks.